"Get yo'self to the grocery store for some ribs and some ice cream, girlfriend..."

An examination of my coping mechanisms:

Sometimes I just deal by not dealing. Warning: not effective.  Somehow even knowing that doesn’t seem to change things. Read a book. Get lost in someone else’s life for awhile.

I am a firm believer in retail therapy. It has gotten me through several boyfriends. Nothing like feeling hotter-than-ever to assuage any disappointment. Latest purchase: zebra print T-shirt. My mom says animal print usually looks trashy and screams, “I want attention!” but I think I just like it anyway.

With every heartbreak comes a haircut. Usually of my own hand. It’s liberating to feel like a new person. It does something to your outlook when you have a new ‘do. Last summer I cut off like a foot. Felt amazing.  This summer’s update? Sunny highlights.

I used to be a sleeper. Turns out I just couldn’t breathe.

I am usually a comfort food eater in times of crisis. Ice cream in large quantities, and only out of the carton. I can truthfully say I’ve eaten nothing but ice cream for every meal on some occasions.  One time my dad caught me eating straight out of the carton and looked at me sympathetically, “Bad day?” I had no idea he knew my make-it-better weakness…I was kind of touched. Turns out I was just in an ice-cream mood. Oops.

However- I have begun exercising.  Can you believe that? I worked out on 3 days ago and I’m still sore! I love feeling buff. I love it even more than feeling fat.  Transition time?

I read somewhere (somewhere ridiculous probably) that you should make everything you do sexy and you will feel like a million bucks. For example, watching Jennifer Anisten while in sweats, munching on salt ‘n vinegar chips will most likely result in feeling ugly and bloated. Watching her in high heels? You are so much hotter than she will ever be. And you eat too, so you’re probably happier. Yeah, I tried this. Yeah, let’s just say my teeth are whiter, my tan is darker, my hair is luscious-er, and I bought plum liquid eye-liner. Sweats and a baseball hat just means I’m Britney Spears incognito.  (That’s what my dad says anyway :) 

The Tallest Primary Teacher Ever

I taught Primary today- CTR 5/6. The lesson was about how our parents help us learn. About 20 min into the 45 minutes I had to entertain the 10 little whippersnappers, I plum ran out of things to talk about...so I just started winging it...and by the end I was playing Hangman with kids who can't read! So hilarious- I told them they were "letter detectives." Fill in the blank: MOMM__. This was a real stumper. The clue was "we talked about this person today." 

Some summer sales guys showed up at the branch today, and my wonderful mother whispers, "Hey, that one on the end has brown ey-es!" Kind of singing the 'eyes' part the way moms do at the end of a suggestion like that. I realized I must be at a point of desperation because although I was wearing my 4-inch intimidators today (putting me at a whopping 6'3''), the man was clearly not even clearing 5'8''. I remember when I was in elementary school and on all those get-to-know-you forms they ask what you want to be when you grew up. I said 6 feet tall. And I really meant it. I didn't yet fully realize the implications of being a tall girl, i.e. shortage of tall boys, but honestly I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've always been a little worked up about marrying a tall fellow, as in, it's mandatory, and short boys always have a bone to pick with that. I figure I'm still young, so I can be picky about those sorts of things. I guess if single life prevails in 10 years I'll have to re-think my priorities. I just make it a point to discuss height with any potential flirters under 6 feet. In a subtle and charming way, of course. "hahaha oh yes, you have no idea how hard it is to find long pants! Let alone tall boys! Oh the plight of the tall woman...did you say your sister is visiting next weekend...?" 

Manipulative tactic? Perhaps. Do they usually ask me out after that? Too scared. Mission accomplished. 

Smashed Sandwiches

I live the life of mustard stains, mini corn dogs on the go, "pleathe's" and "fank you's," and sunburned noses. I speak in "okey dokey artichokey's" and "holey moley's!" and "1...2...3...!'s" I knew I could officially adopt the job title as "nanny" when I found homemade play-dough in my front seat along with Curious George fruit snack wrappers, a baseball hat, my favorite sweatshirt, and always a book in case of a 4-hour excursion to a park. Wet pool towels, leftover picnic lunches, and unfinished art projects in the trunk. Babysitting has always been just the extra source of income, and this summer it has become the primary. Today was a day to remember though- I had FUN! I played the Barbie king with the awful British accent, thwarted a potential potty accident, played at the 'castle' park, made play dough cookies, did puzzles and puppet shows at the Library, taught Mister what a bookmark is, and sang really loudly in the car. It helps that one of the little guys, Mr. 2-year old is just about the cutest little man. I affectionately call him Little Man, Mister, Buckwheat, Dudeface, Goofball...and in return he calls me "ay-win." Or Poop Head. Whatever. It's a heart melter. One of my favorite Mister moments is when he bumps into walls or doors, and apologizes to them- BAM, "Oh so-wie!" Or when he pets my dog with one little wormy finger. Or when he passes the fish tank at the library and says in his highest squeak "here fishy fishy!" Or when he looks for the "dingbell" by the front door. What a good day.

For the Neglected Best Bestie Ever

Reasons why a boy can never really replace a girl best friend:

1.You don't ever complain that we don't watch enough ESPN and too many chick flicks.

2. You understand what I mean when I say I'm having a "fat day."

3. You are okay with me taking an hour to get ready.

4. You know when I say I want you to be honest with me, that I really want the absolute nicest version of that truth.

5. You don't fart on me.

6. You support having comfort foods and embracing them when necessary.

7. When I wear your clothes in public, people don't think I'm a hussy.

8. You don't judge me if I order a salad. You also don't judge me if I supersize my Big Mac.

9. You recognize emotional instability, that not everything must be because I'm PMSing. 

10. However, you can identify those days, and you don't hold them against me.

11. You never touch my fat.

12. You understand why I still facestalk ex-boyfriends. 

13. You are gentle with my ego.

14. We can listen to Josh Groban together.

15. We can talk about how hot Matthew McConagahy is. 

16. You understand why I have 8 eyeliner colors.

17. We never have to have DTRs. 

18. You understand why I can't stand the thought of being a career woman, but also why I couldn't be a baby-making homemaker machine.

19. We cry at tender love scenes and wedding receptions just because we love love.

20. You love all the knitty gritty details. Or maybe you just know I love telling stories, which is even more sweet.

21. You always know where we're are.

22. You let me stop to go to the bathroom on road trips as often as I want.

23. You value the end transformation more, because you saw me when I woke up this morning. And before I went to bed. And after I cried for and hour. And after I threw up. 

24. You NEVER mock how I feel.

25. I always know where you stand. We are always on the same team.  Nothing jeopardizes that. 

26. You know to laugh at my quirks and not my insecurities.

27. You don't get frustrated that I don't care about cars or sports.

28. It doesn't matter if you call when you say you will, for some reason it's fine when we do this, but boys are jerks when they do.

29. You hate anyone that's hurt me. I hate anyone that's hurt you. Even if they are actually nice people. It's understood. 

30. I don't care that I'm like a foot taller than you.

31. You let me curl your hair when I need to de-stress.

32. You can't  swear even when you try. 

33. When I'm dressed like a hoochie, you accept that I'm probably just getting hot and not trying to lure you in with my long legs and bare shoulders.

34. When I'm dressed like a hobo, you accept I probably just need to be comfortable for awhile, not that I've totally given up on myself.

35. You still like Disney movies.

36. You don't expect me to wait on you.

37. You have no problem committing to me in the future, nor I to yours.

38. IIII MIIIIIISSSSSS YYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUU!